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10/5/11

IRONIES FROM THE BORED

Statement of Purpose:

To cleanse the world of all its pain and suffering through the incredible powers of droll self-mockery—or the mockery of others, since we're so bad at the self thing.

Areas of fair game:

Politics.

People with over a billion dollars in wealth have been declared "National Treasures" by RECOIL, the Republican Economic Central Office of Ironic Legislation. As such, they will be encouraged to join the tax-free Republican Institute Promoting Organized Freedom Funding.

A REPRINT: from the UncleFart diaries, published on the Internet on 6.25.09

UncleFart wants to impeach all Republicans.

Conservatives fail to do anything right.

Including declaring that they are The Right. They don’t actually conserve anything. Not blood, not treasure, not Constitutional rights. They don’t even do right by their marriages. They fuss and fume at the top of their lungs about how the principles of Liberals are all scr*******ed up.

They even throw in extra asterisks when they curse. Like Dick “Dick” Cheney when he flipped a finger at Sen. Patrick J. Leahy (Vt.) and told him to go f*****************k himself — on the same day the Republican dominated Senate passed the “Defense Of Decency Act” virtually unanimously (June ‘04).

They impeach a standing president for having the immoral audacity to obtain a blow job. Yet they never, ever impeach one of their own who does worse.

They warn us that unless we do things their way, there will be hell to pay, and when Obama inherits their way, and ends up paying the hell—in a 180° flip from the Repub warnings—they slam him for going commie.

Honest to Gosh, or whatever she’s calling herself these days, it’s enough to make you want to hunt these zombies down and cut off their fillintheblanks.

We see their daily political comment on things, but it is all designed to achieve one thing: To buy themselves political power by sowing doubt in the minds of their presumed supporters. If they nay-say enough, something will eventually stick and they can proclaim, “I told you so.”

According to the head of the CIA, one key Republican position is to “hope America is attacked again by terrorists to prove how right they were to pick a war with Iraq.”

TRM. What’s missing from the general public’s awareness, and considered too hot to handle by many newsmen is the existence of The Republican Manifesto.

It’s never written out and bound into a book, because like Fight Club, it has two primary commandments: you do not talk about TRM and you DO NOT talk about TRM. But it does get passed around every day so freely, that you see its exact Phrase O the Day repeated endlessly by Republicans in government and on Fox.

Bits and pieces of TRM have been assembled, and you can Google them all day.

Here’s a quick update:

The Republican Manifesto (Draft)

1. Whenever something doesn’t fit the way you would have people see it, lie. It’s more creative, and you have a whole team of people ready, willing and able to back you up on it from TRM HQ.
   
   
2. At least TRY to keep your alcoholism, pork barrel entries, mistresses, homosexuality, abortions and felonies to yourself. When they get out, it becomes everybody else’s problem.
   
   
3. Punish everything. If some non-fellow-traveler gets laid, impeach him. If somebody tokes some weed, incarcerate him. If somebody looks vaguely middle eastern, hold him in a windowless room until his flight to Japan has gone and returned. But, if somebody really needs a gun tonight, make it so. Usually that would be one of our boys. We are not responsible for collateral damage.
   
   
4. Get blood on your hands. You can’t be powerful without obtaining the sympathy support from getting an American serviceperson killed somewhere by the bad guys. Learn to choke up on mic.
   
   
5. Grab an irrelevant moral issue that is supported by a potentially hysterical group with a holier than thou sounding name like The Church. Example: “Abortion.”
   
   Give it a classy name like “Right To Life,” then characterize the opposition as supporting “The Right To Murder,” and spend twice as much energy embedding that pejorative into the popular culture. If you get lucky, some bonehead will go out and kill someone in the name of the BS moral issue. It makes zero difference if you buy into the BS moral issue; you only have to look righteous, not be righteous.
   
   
6. Always deny any existence of a Quid Pro Quo. There is NEVER a Quid Pro Quo. Got that? Deny the existence of this one thing and we will make sure good things come your way.
   
   
7. What’s Good For Business is Good For Everything. There is not a single credible example of anything being bad for business that also is Good.
   
   
8. Dress sharp. That’s 86% of our success. They can have their Barney Frank’s, but we are training a new generation of Mitt Romney’s here. We may have lost the election in ‘08, but dang if we didn’t score a bunch of great looking new duds.
   
   Corollary: Pick staff, lawyers, candidates, running mates and spouses based on their looks.
   
   
9. TRM principles include the fact that you can fool everybody, for all practical purposes, if you raise enough money. It’s Lincoln’s Fourth Element: “You can fool all the people all the time if you have a big enough advertising budget.”
   
   
10. Always accuse any party that is not us of showing one or more of the following attributes: Tax and Spend, Flaming Liberal, Pro-Murder, Axis Of Evil, Being the Anti-Christ, Sub-human, deserving the finger. Accuracy is strictly optional.
    
    
11. Always declare victory early and shove any residual unresolved issues to the other side of the aisle.
    
    
12. Remember that if you are proven to have conserved anything of importance, you may be summarily be ejected from the Republican Party with prejudice.
    
    
13. The public doesn’t know squat. They are all children with juvenile motives and habits. Never vote for anything that is auto-controversial that they might grow to like—even on a trial basis for a few years, because they might eventually demand you keep it, and that might make you look stupid for having created the auto-controversy in the first place.
    
    This includes legalizing marijuana, major government infrastructure repair, flat tax trials, legalizing prostitution, trial universal health care, legalizing gay marriage, decriminalizing rock and roll and hippop (sic), not drill drill drilling and housing Guantanimo terrorists on US soil.
    
    
14. Joke du Jour: What’s black and white and Red all over? The Obama Administration. The humor comes from the capital R in Red, meaning communism. See? If you tell it out loud, pause, nod and wink just before you pronounce “Red.” That’s a sure way of capitalizing the term when spoken.
    
    
15. Always explain any humor. It just looks bad when one of ours says, “I don’t get it.”

Republicans rename party. Having acknowledged that the Republican Party is in severe disarray, the central Steering Committee has announced that the Party will split into two new Parties:

As of July 4, there will be Republican Classic Party and the ToldYou Party. The former will inherit previously abandoned principles of real conservatism and as small as possible government, while the latter will inherit the current practices and beliefs of the standing Republican Party.

Looking back on this droll bit of political sardonicry, it's interesting to see how Tea Party, the debt ceiling debate, Norquist's "No Taxes, damnit" and other elements have grown since these observations were made. Here's what a recent ex-Republican has observed.

Sorry to say, but the Republican Party is growing more certainly toward being the Enemy of The People, Buy The People.

News Outlets.

Rupert "Silver Fox" Murdoch continues to assure his place in Hell by insisting that he knows nothing about no wire-tapping, supports no agendas and hasn't a mean bone in his body. "All those," he said, "are in the body of my wife."

Popping that many Viagra at once is dangerous, Rupert!

Society (Or "Socialism" as the Republicans understand call it.)

June 30, 2011: Reservations have been made by the RNC to celebrate the fall of the United States as the logical result of congress' inability to raise the debt ceiling. The event will be distributed throughout six tony Washington, D.C. hotel ballrooms.

Organized by the office of Republican Minority Leader, Mitch (Chin-Free) McConnell, the celebration is designed to "show that uppity darkie who's the real boss in this city."

"If all goes well, the morning of August 3, 2011 will become a national holiday, celebrating the end of the American Democrat Revolution," said McConnell. "From then on, it's 'One Party Under Jesus.'"

Update 8.18.11: It's happening. Just as predicted back in June, the world is currently spiraling down into the depths of dispair, poverty and desuitude.

Since the Tea Bagger / Republican Party coalition of Did-Too/Did-Not congresspeople weighed in, the USA has become the USA- (minus), and we have seen four of the worst days for the economy, ever.

Can a double-dip recession (Note that "double-dip" is a porn term for coordinated vaginal and anal penetration by two men or dildos at the same time, thus making it perhaps the most apt euphemism, ever) be far behind? Or will it go according to TeaBag plan and produce a full blown world-wide Depression?

Stay tuned.

Life. Now scheduled for a forced reboot some time in the next thousand days. But at least we will have our old country back.

Other. Too BaD.

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